Profession and Confession

The Bonhoeffer references are very powerful and convicting. Interesting that a man who was executed after suffering in prison would have such insightful, piercing words to describe our hearts, Christ's heart, and community.

One of the quotes of Bonhoeffer that Foster uses is as follows: "Anybody who lives beneath the cross and who has discerned in the Cross of Jesus the utter wickedness of all men AND of his OWN HEART will find that there is NO SIN that can ever be ALIEN to HIM. Anybody who has once been horrified by the dreadfulness of his own sin that nailed Jesus to the Cross will no longer be horrified by even the rankest sins of a brother."

Bonhoeffer in so many ways lived and died literally in the midst of hell, chaos, weeping, and gnashing of teeth. In the midst of gas chambers, disease, demonic cruelty, torture emerged a heart and mind that spoke with incredible clarity and spiritual authority about Christ and ministry.

I copied this quote from Wikipedia -- The camp doctor who witnessed the execution (of Bonhoeffer) wrote: “I saw Pastor Bonhoeffer ... kneeling on the floor praying fervently to God. I was most deeply moved by the way this lovable man prayed, so devout and so certain that God heard his prayer. At the place of execution, he again said a short prayer and then climbed the few steps to the gallows, brave and composed. His death ensued after a few seconds. In the almost fifty years that I worked as a doctor, I have hardly ever seen a man die so entirely submissive to the will of God.”

I'm convinced that God works in all circumstance but as I'm confronted this morning with the life and writings of Bonhoeffer I'm left wondering,

"God, can I genuinely be made in the image of your son without a cross? Without a prison? Without a sharp, metal wire tearing my throat as I'm strangled in the gallows?"

"God, how can I pray, in Jesus' name without a cross strapped to my back?"

I hear God say, "with man this is impossible but with God all things are possible."

I need that assurance God.

Thank you; however, I am challenged by your reminder through confession, through Foster, and through Bonhoeffer that you Jesus, the Word, becomes flesh in me and that Word in me has a natural impulse to flesh out FAITH, to experience FAITH, by going outside the camp, to the outer darkness, to shine YOUR LIGHT, and DIE for your ENEMIES by FAITH in LOVE.

Perhaps killing me is an enemy's purist confession.
Perhaps dying in love is your Kingdom's purist profession.

Whether or not killing and dying in love is pure confession or pure profession, I can at least acknowledge that the two of them together (killing and dying) are an interesting dance of love that consumes body broken and blood shed in mercy. Hmmm. body broken and blood shed sounds a lot like the communion table. It also sounds like the marriage supper of the lamb which is the ultimate CELEBRATION of the ultimate DISCPLINE/DISCIPLING such that it fills an entire new creation with PRAISE, GLORY, and HONOR at your REVELATION.

Hello Team!

First off I want to say thank you to everyone who has posted so far. I am somewhat behind in reading along with you all but I have been checking the blog on a daily basis since being asked to be apart of it. I'm sorry I have yet to post and one is to be expected soon. This book has taught me about disciplines that I have never been educated on at the church I go to. I have appreciated the historical background and standpoint that Foster comes from.

It is also a huge encouragement to see the future staffers post about how excited they are to serve Jesus and camp this summer.

Again sorry for being tardy to the blog party, truly as jokey as that sounds I do apologize for not participating sooner! I love you all and am daily encouraged by the discipline that you have modeled to me! I am honored to be considered apart of this blog and this group!

PS- just checked out the Sonshine website and it is looking killer from the Mac nice work guys, and love the new testimonial!

Submission and service

Sometimes I think that Foster is in my head......

Page 136-137, " There is the service of being served. When Jesus began to wash the feet of those he loved, Peter refused. He would never let his Master stoop to such a menial service on his behalf. It sounds like a statement of humility; in reality it was an act of veiled pride. Jesus' service was an affront to Peter's concept of authority. If Peter had been the master, he would not have washed feet.
It is an act if submission and service to allow others to serve us. It recognizes their "kingdom authority" over us. We graciously receive the service rendered, never feeling we must repay it. Those who, out of pride, refuse to be served are failing to submit to the divinely appointed leadership in the kingdom on God."

Guilty, guilty as charged. I have never felt more connected to Peter than I did in this statement. I am struggling with even how to approach this without sounding prideful or arrogant. Who am I to think that I do not need Jesus to wash my feet when in reality I need him to wash all of me! There are 2 things that struck a cord with me in this 1) was the refusal by Peter to allow Jesus to serve him and how that resonated with my life and 2) The feeling that I must always repay those who I do, in the rare occasion, let serve me. The constant need to make sure I am not in debt to anyone forgetting that not only has my debt been paid but has been washed away from record.

Needless to say I am going to continue to process this.

"Sheer Obedience"

The reading on confession really convicted me this week. I'll admit that I really haven't made a regular practice out of confession over the years. There have definitely been isolated instances, and I have experienced the freedom that results from that discipline, but my pride has kept me from making a habit out of it.

And so this paragraph resonated deeply with me:

"We have prayed, even begged, for forgiveness, and though we hope we have been forgiven, we sense no release. We doubt our forgiveness and despair at our confession. We fear that perhaps we have made confession only to ourselves and not to God. The haunting sorrows and hurts of the past have not been healed. We try to convince ourselves that God forgives only the sin; he does not heal the memory. But deep within our being we know there must be something more. People have told us to take our forgiveness by faith and not to call God a liar. Not wanting to call God a liar, we do our best to take it by faith. But because misery and bitterness remain in our lives, we again despair. Eventually we begin to believe either that forgiveness is only a ticket to heaven and not meant to affect our lives now, or else that we are not worthy of the forgiving grace of God." (p. 147)

But, because I'm living in the reality of that paragraph, I didn't find much hope or assurance from reading it except to know that I'm not alone in that struggle. Other than that, forgiveness still just feels incomplete and unreal.

So when I got to the part about making confession 'too complicated', I almost wanted to cry when I read this:

"Remember the heart of the Father; he is like a shepherd who will risk anything to find that one lost sheep. We do not have to make God willing to forgive. [...] Confession begins in sorrow, but it ends in joy." (p. 153)

I only just finished reading so I haven't "practiced" confession yet, but I know exactly what I need to do, and who I need to talk to, and I'm hoping I'll have the opportunity to do so soon (maybe even tonight). If you felt like holding me accountable to that one, I wouldn't mind it.

Looking forward to hearing from you all soon, and to SEEING you soon too! :)

Foster Speaks for Me

I am struggling with how to communicate my response to Foster's chapter on the dicsipline of servanthood. I am having difficulty streeming my thoughts together to articulate clearly what I want to say so I have decided to let Foster speak for me! I have decided to share the major quotes that really hit home with me and redefined the way I viewed/view servant hood in my life.

"It is one things to act like a servant; it is quite another to be a servant." (134)

"When we chose to be a servant, we surrender the right to decide who and when we will serve. We become available and vulnerable." (132)

"It is an act of submission and service to allow others to serve us. It recognizes their 'kingdom authority' over us. We graciously receive the service rendered, never feeling we must repay it. Those who, out of pride, refuse to be served are failing to submit to the divinely appointed leadership in the kingdom of God." (137)

"Even more than the transformation that is occurring within us. We are aware of a deeper love and joy in God. Our days are punctuated with spontaneous breathings of praise and adoration. Joyous hidden service to others is an acted prayer of thanksgiving. We seem to be directed by a new control Center-and so we are." (132)

"Lord Jesus, as it would please you bring me someone today whom I can serve." (140)
Amen.

Simplicity revisted

I know that simplicity was a couple of weeks ago but I was reading in "My Utmost for His Highest" today and it brought me back to that chapter and was really great and wanted to share with you guys so here it is:

January 26,
"A simple statement of Jesus is always a puzzle to us because we will not be simple. How can we maintain the simplicity of Jesus so that we may understand Him?By receiving His Spirit, recognizing and relying on Him, and obeying him as He brings us the truth of His Word, life will become amazingly simple. Jesus asks us to consider that "if God so clothes the grass of the field...."How "much more" will He clothe you, if you keep your relationship right with Him?Every time we lose ground in our fellowship with God, it is because we have disrespectfully thought that we knew better than Jesus Christ. We have allowed 'the cares of the world" to enter in (Matthew 13:22), while forgetting the "much more" of our heavenly Father.
"Look at the birds of the air......." (6:26). Their function is to obey the instincts God placed within them, and God watches over them. Jesus said that if you have the right relationship with Him and will obey His Spirit within you, then God will care for your "feathers" too.
'Consider the lilies of the field......" (6:28). They grow where they are planted. Many of us refuse to grow where God plants us. Therefore, we don't take root anywhere. Jesus said if we would obey the life of God within us, he would look after all others things. Did Jesus Christ lie to us? Are we experiencing the "much more" He promised? If we are not, it is because we are not obeying the life God has given us and cluttered our minds with confusing thoughts and worries. How much more time have we wasted asking God senseless questions while we should be absolutely free to concentrate on our service to Him? Consecration is the act of continually separating myself from everything except that which God has appointed me to do. It is not a one-time experience but an ongoing process. Am I continually separating myself and looking to God every day in my life?" by Oswald Chambers.

I have been challenged again to live simply and to continually be in the process of consecrating my life so that I am all eyes and all in with Christ. Although most of this is easier said than done, I love that it is as simple as trusting and loving Christ and the place he has brought you. I was encouraged by this today and maybe it will encourage you too.

:)

Hide and Go Seek (The Kingdom of God)

"Self-righteous service requires external rewards.  It needs to know that people see and appreciate the effort…  True service rests content in hiddenness." (p. 128)

My service often quickly turns from humility to seeking the approval of others.  In order to obtain the approval of others, I need these "others" to witness my acts of service.

I've shared this before (probably on one of the earlier blogs), but I've gotten very good at playing this "recognition game."  The church is just too darn good at thanking people for acts of service, it is easy to fall in a cycle of seeking and obtaining the next "fix" of recognition in a congregation or fellowship.

"[The flesh] strains and pulls for honor and recognition.  It will devise subtle, religiously acceptable means to call attention to the service rendered." (p. 130)

Hiddenness is the antithesis to my "recognition addiction."  It will quickly reveal the source of my service (desire for recognition), and if I allow the hiddenness to continue and "stoutly refuse to give in to this lust of the flesh, [I] crucify it.  Every time we crucify the flesh, we crucify our pride and arrogance" (p. 130)

"Hiddenness is a rebuke of the flesh and can deal a fatal blow to pride." (p. 134)

Lord, keep me hidden, and kill my pride.

-Mike

Serving vs. Servanthood

"Right here we must see the difference between choosing to serve and choosing to be a servant. When we choose to serve, we are still in charge. We decide whom we will serve and when we will serve. And if we are in change, we will worry a great deal about anyone stepping on us, that is, taking charge over us."

"But when we choose to be a servant, we give up the right to be in change. There is great freedom in this. If we voluntarily choose to be taken advantage of, then we cannot be manipulated. When we choose to be a servant, we surrender the right to decide who and when we will serve. We become available and vulnerable." (p. 132)

Bleeding Isn't Just a Discipline, It's a Death style. Whoops. Its a LIFE STYLE! YES!! LIFESTYLE!!!!!!

In a conversation with Reid the other day, I said,
“you know it sounds a little off to say ‘fasting isn’t just a discipline, it’s a lifestyle.’
It also sounds a little off to say ‘study isn’t just a discipline, it’s a lifestyle;’ however,
it sounds spot on to say, ‘submission isn’t just a discipline, it’s a lifestyle.’”

Today, I would like to add to that comment “it sounds spot on to say, ‘service isn’t just a discipline, it’s a lifestyle.’”

The suggestions for service at the end of the chapter remind me of Ultra Packet Staff Culture, Ultra Packet Situational Leadership, Group Development, Ultra Packet Special Topics, and many, many training weekend topics, focus points, and examples. Here are the highlights of what I would call “To live is Christ and to die is . . .

1. Having people walk over me.
2. Surrendering our rights.
3. Being taken advantage of.
4. Invisibility.
5. Discipline with small things, insignificant tasks.
6. Silent serving.
7. Loyalty to others.
8. Vulnerability.
9. Kindness in all things.
10. Asking questions and listening.
11. Compassion.
12. Serving the last and the least.
13. Aspiring to slavery.

I feel reminded by the chapter of this truth – Only one substance can change any heart. Only one. And that substance is the mercy-filled blood of Christ poured out through His body. And when I think of His body, I say to myself, “hey, that’s me.” And then I say, "wait a minute that’s you too.” And then I think “well, gee at this point in time, within the organization of Sonshine. That’s us together.”

After I have that conversation with myself, I hear us singing that song “Jesus lead on and I will follow” but we’ve changed the lyrics to – “Jesus BLEED on and I will follow. Jesus BLEED on let you LOVE LIGHT the WAY.”

Jesus, please allow your blood to infuse this body with light, love, and compassion. Grow your seed of faith in me such that I trust you to let your blood define, enlighten, and fill my heart and mind. May the activity of my life be the activity of Your Life because your kingdom has displaced the shadows of self-possession and pride in my old heart with service and humility. May the fruit of this new heart in you be blood spilled from your free will which

burns freely in me and
gives freely from me

in spite of me.

Submission= Becoming like the Lamb

The submission chapter was perhaps one of my favorite chapters. Foster's depiction of submission reminded me a lot of Philippians 2. This verse has been pretty impactful for me in the last year (we also discussed it a lot on Barney floats...and if I'm honest it might be a popular theme again). The overall passage is stating: You must imitate Christ and take on the very character of God by becoming a servant. By submitting to God and others we are becoming much more of who we were created to be. Obviously this is easier said then done, but by looking at Christ as the example of submission it reminds me that if our Almighty King finds submission & servanthood to be of the upmost importance, than its worth it for me (even if I will most often fall short).

This chapter also reminded me a lot of where I was last year at this time. We were reading the Revelation study and the one concept that impacted my whole season was viewing Christ as the Lamb and realizing there is power in becoming like the sacrificial servant Lamb. In Revelation 5, John is waiting for the Lion to appear to open the scroll, and he turns and finds a little lamb as if slain opening the scroll. He was the only one able to open it, and the elders and living creatures fell down and worshiped Him (The lamb is Christ). Through the reading, the passage, and the admin retreat we talked about how the honest power was not found in the dominate Lion, but in the sacrificial lamb. "The Lamb wins by being slaughtered. The Lamb overcomes by being sacrificed, by sacrificing himself!" "The secret of history, which no one could have discovered on his or her own, is that the Lion gets to the throne by being the Lamb. The Lion wins by being slaughtered"(Revelation: DOTE by Johnson, p.156-157).

So whats my point?: The Lord keeps revealing to me (and to us) that there is something powerful, holy, and supremely spiritual about being submissive, denying self, pursuing others interests, sacrificing for one another, suffering for the kingdom and becoming a sacrifice. "The Lion wins by being slaughtered"! I am convinced that we claim more of the Kingdom's power and prevalence on earth when we become like lambs to the slaughter. Victory comes not in the form of dominate followers, but sacrificial ones.

I am completely convinced that there is no coincidence that this theme is being taught again at the exact same time as last year. As Foster says "Leadership is found in becoming the servant of all. Power is discovered in submission" (p.115). God is teaching us how to lead, by submitting, becoming a servant, and being sacrificial.

Wow...big lesson, but a good place to be! Lord, may we follow your lead and become the least, to serve others, and to submit to your will and direction in our lives. Let us live out, proclaim, and rejoice in the restoration and freedom given out of your own sacrifice on the cross! Let us follow in your foot steps, embrace sacrifice, and become lambs. Love you, Amen!

Service vs. Servanthood

Choosing to serve vs. choosing to be a servant! Jingle-Bam! That kicked me right between the eyes.  How easy it is to serve - how incredibly life transforming it is to be a servant!

"Lord bring me someone today whom I can serve......whom I can be their servant!

JINGLE-BAM!

Reverence for Christ

I told Steve this morning that I keep deleting everything I write about submission.  The Lord has been teaching this discipline to me in a very direct way for the past 5 years.  Without too many words it has been a revelation of my own darkness.  Jesus has gently been showing me how I have a tendency to want things my way! Especially when it comes to Sunday mornings. 

"Be subject to one another out of reverence for Christ" (Eph 5:21)

This verse was really encouraging and enlightening for me that when I desire things to go my way I am sabotaging an opportunity to revere Christ Jesus. 

I (and i think all of us) am extremely grateful to Sonshine  for teaching me a lifestyle of submission. 

The Invitation to a Cross-Life

While reading through Foster's words on submission I found myself focusing on the idea of a "cross-life" and directed toward Jesus' model of this cross-life in John 13 when he submits and loves his 12 closes followers by washing their feet.

'Christ not only died a "cross-death," he lived a "cross-life."' (115)

"The cross-life is the life of voluntary submission. The cross-life is the life of freely accepted servant hood." (116)

I love, LOVE the comment Foster made about a cross-life being "a posture obligatory upon all Christians" on page 117. What a sharp remind for myself that a cross-life is not just a thought, idea, or statement to be made, it is a posture to be adopted, learned, understood, and practiced. In my practice and adventures with submission, lets just say I have only yet begun to dabble in a cross-life.

And then I look to the end of the chapter as Foster spoke of "spiritual authority is marked by both compassion and power." (124) The last few pages devoted to his discussion of spiritual authority followed by examples of modern day situations we might see in our every day lives caused a John 13 siren, bells and whistles, the whole sha-bang! to fire in my brain.

Listen to the words of our God in the flesh modeling a cross-life, posture of submission in a place of spiritual authority,

"Having loved his own who were in the world,
he now showed them the full extent of his love...

'Do you understand what I have done for you?' he asked them. "You call me 'Teacher' and 'Lord" and rightly so, for that I am. Now that I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you should wash one another's feet. I have set you and example that you should do as I have done for you."
John 13:1,12-15

Foster alongside Jesus example helped me begin to unearth an idea about submission that I have heard for years now in ministry. Jennifer, you can't live above those you serve. I hear the voice of my all knowing Creator inviting me down to my knees. Gently removing my outer garments, placing the water, basin and towel in front of my and calling me to submit my life. Calling me to live a cross-life right now.

Simplicity is . . . . . . complicated.

Where Foster wrote "Simplicity is Freedom." I penned. "Discipline is Freedom." He quotes Ecclesiastes about people's complex problems being of our own devising.

God's pursuit of me and through me is simple - Christ crucified for me, in me, through me.

The process of experiencing "Christ crucified for me, in me, and through me" I believe is extremely complicated. It is a never-ending, constant Revelation of

Truth to lie.
Fullness to emptiness.
Life to death.
Light to darkness.
Self-less to self-possessed.
Genuine to illusion.
Reality to vapor.

The seed of Christ is eternal, all powerful, and conspicuously, poignantly, and beautifully displayed at the cross.

I want that seed.

Receiving the seed is the eternal journey which God has called me on that requires fertilizer (crap), roto-tilling, pulverizing, sifting, and a whole host of other brutal treatments for prepping and maintaining the soil for harvest.

Receiving the seed is rough.
Receiving the seed is violent.
Receiving the seed is. . . well, its complicated.

In the bond,
Steve

It's All Robots!

Solitude (and subsequently Submission) have stretched, challenged and overall wrecked my self-perception that I was unaware was up for debate.  Essentially, it's been a curveball kind of week or two.

Reid shared this earlier, but it's worth repeating, "We are so accustomed to relying upon words to manage and control others.  If we are silent, who will take control?  God will take control, but we will never let him take control until we trust him.  Silence is intimately related to trust." (p. 100)

"Usually the best way to handle most matters of submission is to say nothing." (p. 112)

I feel a lot like I did last year around admin retreat time.  Everything relates to robots!

I've been mentoring this high school robotics team in Lodi, and in particular I've had a super hard time working with the main mentor/supervisor/teacher.  I could go into a lot of nerdy/uninteresting/ultimately non-essential "problems" I have with working with this mentor, but the only thing it comes down to is I have control issues.  Honestly, when it comes to robotics, I'm used to things going my way.  I'm used to teaching kids my way, structuring meetings my way, and building the robot my way.

What makes this new team so hard, more than anything else, is I don't get my way.  After the initial shock of not getting my way wore off, I experienced a flurry of words exiting my mouth in attempt to regain control.  The next few days I was almost out of breath at times trying to explain/validate/substantiate my thoughts about robotics and justify my superiority and worthiness.  

And in the midst of not getting my own way, I've been faced with the hard (but good) truth (thanks for sharing this earlier Pearl):

"What freedom corresponds to submission? It is the ability to lay down the terrible burden of always needing to get our own way." (p. 111)

At the time of writing this post, I can't say I've accepted and embraced this freedom yet.  But I am confident the Lord is teaching this truth to me through this robotics season.  Time to keep learning!

-Mike

Submission

I've got to say, the chapter on submission has definitely been my favorite so far.

As I was reading this week, all I could think of was an image I've heard Mason and Reid both share: it's an image of daily submitting to crucifixion with Jesus by sitting and waiting to get out of bed until I could see the nail scars in my own hands. Foster says:

"As the first words of the morning are of submission, so are the last words of the night. We surrender our body, mind, and spirit into the hands of God to do with us as he please through the long darkness." (p. 122)

And the second thing the chapter reminded me of, was the portion from the SUP (I think?) on humility: "Humility is allowing yourself to be wronged."

I was especially encouraged by the way that Foster framed this same truth with an emphasis on the freedom it brings us:

"What freedom corresponds to submission? It is the ability to lay down the terrible burden of always needing to get our own way." (p. 111)

"Do you know the liberation that comes from giving up your rights? It means you are set free from the seething anger and bitterness you feel when someone doesn't act toward you the way you think they should." (p. 112)

And finally, the last repeated line that was bouncing around in my head the whole time was this: Only obedience produces genuine joy. Only obedience. Only submission.


Until I submit to my Father's will, I'll always be pushing away something of the joy and freedom He's offering. Until I join Him on the cross in daily surrender and daily submission, I'm still enslaved. Trying to pull myself up on my own and prop myself up on my own strength is never going to be as fulfilling as I think it is. If submission is what it meant for Jesus to be fully God (Phil. 2:8), how could it mean any less for me to be fully human?

Silence and Solitude are hard!

Page 98, "We must seek the fellowship and accountability of others if we want to be alone safely. We must cultivate both if we are to live in obedience."

Phew I love fellowship so check I got that but being alone, hmmm....not so much.

This has been a life long struggle for me, the ability to be alone and do it well. This was never more real to me than the summers I was on admin as a director and Barnabas coordinator and can look back and see how God was working on this disciplines with me those summers. In the midst of a place where I was surrounded by so many people from dock hands, to campers, to rental customers, guys working a Phil's propellers and other boat stores, filled with fellowship, those summers were some of the time where I spent the most time in silence and solitude. I am not sure how many hours were spent heading out in Jonah alone, crossing lake Shasta on a seadoo alone or driving up and down digger bay road alone but that is just it, I was not alone as I felt but in fact was in the presence of the Almighty God. What a gift those times were, where I felt no pressure to have to talk or come up with small talk but could rest in the presence of God and just be silent. That was a new experience, a novelty and I am so thankful for those times I spent "Alone" or now better called times in solitude because it has allowed me to grow in ways that given my own choice I would not have taken, God is so cool like that.

I am hoping this made sense and clearly these are still disciplines that I am working on and God is continually having to call me back into but I am working on it!

Page 97, "Inward solitude has outward manifestations. There is the freedom to be alone, not in order to be away from people but in order to hear the divine Whisper better."

The Generous Father

Before I write anything, I want to say that I'm sorry that I haven't been a part of this blog yet. But I am still really excited join you all.

Part of the simplicity chapter that really bounced out at me, something that I believe that I need to practice here on this very blog, is on page 93. "Obey Jesus' instructions about plain, honest speech...Reject jargon and abstract speculation whose purpose is to obscure and impress rather than to illuminate and inform". There are a lot of you on this blog that I see as such Godly people, people that I really look up to. So, I fear a tendency to try to make myself sound good enough to be an admin member. So rather than impress I'm gonna do my best to speak with simplicity.

Page 80 "...our need for security has led us into an insane attachment to things". At first glance I found it easy to see his suggestions as "give up possessions, give up money, give up what people think of you". But far too often I forget what I'm getting. I feel like the giver, when God is in fact ALWAYS THE GIVER. I am constantly blessed with gifts from my heavenly father, so much so that a lot of times I don't realize it. Focusing on getting rid of things of this world is exhausting, but when you seek first HIM, it's not. Because it isn't those things that are bad, but rather the taking away from the father. So why give generously? Why surrender addiction causing things? Because I get Jesus.

And instead of worrying of what might happen, I have to remember who God is. He is the God who split the red sea. He took down Goliath with a little man. He covered the earth in water. He had a guy get eaten by a whale, and emerge alive. He took sinners and called them his treasure.

If anything keeps me from the one who gives life, why keep it?

Tyler, you don't need that, you need ME.

Seek first the kingdom. All else comes after.

"Speaking of Silence"

Hey all, check out this song I just found! It totally speaks to all the stuff we talked about with solitude/silence.

There's a stillness in my heart
And a quiet in my soul
That I never stop to hear
There's a whisper crying out
Through a silent microphone
And it never disappears

Speaking of silence

We just play the music loud
We listen to the crowd
We laugh to numb the pain we share
And we know that talk is easy
It's the lonliness we fear
We could listen but we're scared
Are you there?


Speaking of silence

Coming down to the ground
Kneeling down i can hear the sound
Of your voice
Here to find the time to realign
Quiet the deafening lies
Lord i need you

Whisper softly
Hold me gently in your arms
And cradle me with love

Hold me close
Let me feel you breathe
Overwhelming love
Come speak to me
Take my love rid me of my hate
Still my beating heart
Lord kiss my face
Take these tears
You've got to set me free
Raise new life
To all the dead places inside me
Hold me close
I need to feel you breathe
Calm these storms that
Rage inside of me 

My Fight for Solitude

My experience with practicing solitude last week was an adventure to say the least. My initial response as notated in the margin of the last page of the chapter was, "solitude is an invitation to be openly embraced by my creator, my father, my friend, my love." However, I struggled the two days that followed to fully understand and really practice solitude. I allowed myself to experience and sit in my dark night of my soul, as I prayed in my own place of solitude. But I simply felt overwhelmed by the emotions accompanying my dark night and didn't understand. I became confused and asked God even more questions as to why solitude wasn't working. Then Foster's words came to the rescue, "Though silence sometimes involves the absence of speech, it always involves the act of listening." I was trying to be silent, I was attempting to achieve solitude in my heart...and because of my continued focus on skill and ability I was digging myself into a hole. I found myself talking and babbling to God in hopes of feeling the freedom and joy that I already know so well in my own life. I lacked listening. I lacked the true quality of silence in my time, to be completely frank in my life, of solitude.

What a joy to go through those days of pure struggle and fighting against God to then be freed by the acknowledgment and awareness yet again of my own pride and attempt at controlling my life.

My prayer now is that God continues to break my knees when I think I am capable to achieve, achieve, achieve. When I believe I am able to do anything on my own I pray God vividly reminds me how my life is wholly dependent on Him. And that I may truly experience, more and more often, "solitude as an invitation to be openly embraced by my creator, my father, my friend, my love.

Silence/Solitude

Just sitting with God, all alone, with no distractions, is one of my most favorite things to do. Of
all the disciplines I think this is the one (also with silence) that I have been practicing the most over the past few months. Of course, it is hard – hard to keep my forever-wandering mind focused on Him and also to keep from falling asleep! But when I finally find that place, where I know He is with me, and I feel His presence…gah! It’s just overwhelming. It’s like He just parts
open my chest and burrows Himself within me and I feel completely and utterly vulnerable, unworthy to get to experience such intimacy with the God of the universe.

The other day was just like that. No words are necessary; the Spirit is free to do His work in my heart. He brought to my attention some aspects in my life that I am putting my trust in more so than the Lord. if I do not spend time alone and listening to God, I will not deal with the sins in my life. That’s just a problem I have. And though it’s painful and I hate being so exposed, if I am really trusting Him to take control of the time, the peace experienced afterwards is beyond comparison to any wonderful thing. So it’s really a huge trust experience, actually.

Lastly, I apologize for not blogging that often. I really dislike writing a lot, it’s a push for me to even journal my prayers and such, so it’s especially hard to motivate myself to somehow organize my thoughts and go write on a blog. I am going to try to be better about it for the remainder of our study, though. But, I just wanted to thank you all for sharing everything so far. Reading this blog really gives so much more insight and different points of view of each discipline. It’s really encouraging to know that we are all going through each discipline at the same time. I am praying for you all and thank you for sharing your hearts.

Solitude of Silence

pg 100 -"One reason we can hardly bear to remain silent is that it makes us feel helpless. We are so accustomed to relying upon words to manage and control others.  If we are silent, who will take control? God will take control, but we will never let him take control until we trust Him. SILENCE IS INTIMATELY RELATED TO TRUST.  The tongue is our most powerful weapon of manipulation.  A frantic stream of words flows from us because we are in a constant process of adjusting our public image.  We fear so deeply what we think other people see in us that we talk in order to straighten out their understanding.  If I have done some wrong thing (or even some right thing that I think you may misunderstand) and discover that you know about it, I will be very tempted to help you understand my action! Silence is one of the deepest disciplines of the Spirit simply because it puts the stopper on all self-justification."

I woke up this morning about 4:50am with just all these thoughts flying around my brain.  I couldnt make sense of any of them.  I prayed to God for help and understanding and then began my devotional time.  I opened up "Celebration" to this page and then in one of the loudest voices i have ever heard Jesus speak to me i heard, "The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want"

I then read page 100 (above)

Let the process begin of Jesus being the defining reality of my life!!!!

Another Dark Night of the Soul Post

I'm amazed at this moment about how God reveals himself in community. If you read the post that Pearl shared "Dark Night of the Soul" on Monday, you just heard a mini-sermon I preached as an introduction to the parable of the sower in Mathew 13 that I preached on Sunday. Pearl - your words in many, many ways were God's words in me as well. Incredible. In my dark night experience I had one reminder and one discovery.

First the reminder -- "I felt reminded that Christ, filled with a bonafide baptism of the Holy Spirt" was immediately sent to the desert where he nearly starved to death and had the snot beaten out of him with temptation by Satan." God reminded me that being filled with the Holy Spirit is sometimes an emptying of anything and everything so that we can feed perhaps more voraciously on our Father's words of Love "You are my beloved child."

Second the Discovery -- "As I considered the reminder (Jesus was sent to the wilderness and His story and His baptism is our story and our baptism) I still had a few moments where I said, "c'mon God, its the holiday season. Why send me into the wilderness during the holidays? Seriously, am I messed up? Did you messed up? Are we both rejects in the land of misfit toys? What's going on?"

(On a sidenote - these feelings/questions were very strange because it was a great, great holiday season for our family - great weather, wonderful parties, interviews were terrific, food was fun, on the surface it was the smoothest, funnest holiday season we've had as a family.) The irony is that on the surface circumstances were very positive and yet internally I felt God was eating me up with disappointment and emptiness -- FOR NO REASON!!!!!!!

As I asked these questions several times during the holiday season of fun, parties, happy kids, celebration, great interviews, and a bunch of other cool stuff I heard the voice of God (Feel free to doubt me on this but I'm telling you I heard Him.)

In Short,

Steve: "God, why the dark night of the soul? This is ridiculous?"
God: "It's Christmas."

Our conversation on the surface might not make sense. I'll try to explain.

God: "Steve, you are experiencing labor pains."
1. Loss of this world, and life of the new kingdom.
2. Pain of giving birth to Christ and having your heart break for the loss of your intimacy with Him in the garden of Eden.
3. Pain of having your heart break for the wounds and sufferings of others.
4. Pain of having God pressing down until figuratively of course the air of this dead, dark world has been completed expelled from your lungs (this happens to each of us who have been down the birth canal by the way) so that your lifeless dust can be filled with the creator's kiss.
5. Pain of having me cut away (spiritual umbilical cord) anything that sustains you in this world that's not the heart and life of Christ.
6. John 16:33 - Take heart, I (God) have overcome the world and you are being born to the other side. (see John 16:20-33 below.)

What has been so fascinating to me is that as fast as the Christmas tempest of dark night soul came, it then left. The sequence of events is a little blurry but on hindsight I'm left wondering if the storm clouds cleared at midnight on the 26th? Who knows? Regardless of exactly when the wind and waves were stilled, God's choice in me was to celebrate Christmas with spiritual labor and a sense of new life "love, joy, and peace" on the other side (calendarwise) of Christmas day.

In a tweaked way, I'm already looking forward to next Christmas because by faith I expect that there's a strong possibility that the reality of Christ's birth might not only be words that I confess but (to a limited extent) a reality being pounded into my heart and mind. As is written I think in the Ultra Packet - this holiday season I greatly underestimated the "pain" of giving birth to Christ, but I also underestimated the "gain" of experiencing His new life.

John 16:20-33
I tell you the truth, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy. A woman giving birth to a child has pain because her time has come; but when her baby is born she forgets the anguish because of her joy that a child is born into the world. So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy. In that day you will no longer ask me anything. I tell you the truth, my Father will give you whatever you ask in my name. Until now you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete.

“Though I have been speaking figuratively, a time is coming when I will no longer use this kind of language but will tell you plainly about my Father. In that day you will ask in my name. I am not saying that I will ask the Father on your behalf. No, the Father himself loves you because you have loved me and have believed that I came from God. I came from the Father and entered the world; now I am leaving the world and going back to the Father.”

Then Jesus’ disciples said, “Now you are speaking clearly and without figures of speech. Now we can see that you know all things and that you do not even need to have anyone ask you questions. This makes us believe that you came from God.”

“You believe at last!”[b] Jesus answered. “But a time is coming, and has come, when you will be scattered, each to his own home. You will leave me all alone. Yet I am not alone, for my Father is with me.

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

The Dark Night of the Soul

I really enjoyed combing through the chapters on simplicity and solitude. Both chapters speak of placing a right perspective in our minds when it comes to physical possessions and those things that we use to fill the silence. Ultimately it all points to keeping the right perspective of who we honestly love, depend on, and hold as our highest priority. Its all about Jesus! Seek first his Kingdom and His righteousness! I can honestly say that I wasn't completely aware of my dependence on possessions and the noise of life, until after reading these chapters.

The most impactful part of our reading was the section in the solitude chapter that discussed the "dark night of the soul". Now I've kind of heard about this phrase before by someone, but it wasn't explained all that well or really understood all that well. Through reading that section the light bulb turned on in my head, sorta speak. I've been kind of at this weird place spiritually, mentally, emotionally....all the -ally's really. Very much a place of, as foster says, "dryness, aloneness, even lostness" (p.102). It is as if I am "not getting through to God" (p.102). Basically everything I read gripped my heart with agreement, and in a way it gave me comfort because it was like someone understood what I was feeling. I'm not going to diagnosis it as the "dark night of the soul" or anything, cause I don't know what it is. But my point is that through reading that section I began to realize that the place I was at was a gift from God.

Foster discusses that this place or state "is an experience to be welcomed (p.102). It is "one of the ways God brings us into a hush, a stillness so that he may work an inner transformation upon the soul (p. 102). The part that gripped me the most was when he stated, "Recognize the dark night for what it is. Be grateful that God is lovingly drawing you away from every distraction so that you can see him clearly. Rather then chafing and fighting, become still and wait" (p. 103).

This place that I am in has been lovingly given to me, in order to draw me closer to Him. It is a beautiful and loving thing! I often felt like it was this burden of a place to be in, and I wrestled and fought it. And it was exhausting. But freedom came when I let go, accepted where I was, and chose to embrace the place God had me at. To be "still and wait".

Our God is a loving and compassionate God! It's silly how easily we all can forget that sometimes, ya know? The truth is that where God has you now is a gift, wither it is a hard place or good. He is working out something in you or adding something to you. Either way, He is drawing you closer to Him! And that can never be a bad thing!

Love ya all!

Stef

Perspective

"The Spiritual Discipline of simplicity provides the needed perspective.  Simplicity sets us free to receive the provision of God as a gift that is not ours to keep and can be freely shared with others." (p. 85)

From the SUP, "When you realize that everything that you use or have is an undeserved gift from a gracious creator your countenance more clearly reflects joy, gratitude and generosity." (Staff Culture #9)

I've been heavily convicted by these two passages.  Beyond the excessive possession of "things", I've been even more blown away at how powerfully this speaks into my time, position and relationships.  Everything in my life (and my life itself!) is from God, for God and for others.  

Often though, I believe what I have, I earned.

I then believe that what I have is best protected by me.

Subsequently, others become a threat to what I have.

"Because we lack a divine Center our need for security has led us to an insane attachment to things." (p. 80)

"The Christian Discipline of simplicity is an inward reality that results in an outward lifestyle." (p. 79)

I need my inward reality/vision/perspective transformed and directed towards the Center if I am ever to be free of my insane attachment/addiction/fixation to the possessions, people, and positions in my life.

"Simplicity sets possessions in proper perspective." (p. 84)

Keeping it Simple in the San Ramon Valley........

This is hands down my favorite chapter in this book. I have read this book a couple times and this particular chapter gets me every time. Every time it is for different reasons but I think the gentle and sometimes hard reminder is that I live in a place where simplicity can so easily be lost. I live in one of the most affluent areas not only in the California or the United States but in the world and how quickly I can become discontent with all that I have. Instead of flipping to the other extreme and giving everything up and living "simply" I love the idea of the balance in this chapter. I know that God has called me to live in this place, teach at this school and be in community with these students, teachers, friends, family, etc right now regardless of the affluence or poverty in where you live you can miss simplicity if you are not seeking Christ and his Kingdom.

This chapter is the reminder that regardless of what you have that seeking my value and identity in this place that values and identifies you based in what you have can crush me in the same way that focusing on the "simple" life can be crushing but instead seeking my value and identity in Christ, as Foster said on page 86, " The central point for the Discipline of simplicity is to seek the kingdom of God and the righteousness of his kingdom first and then everything necessary will come in its proper order. It is impossible to over estimate the importance of Jesus' insight at this point. Everything hinges upon maintaining the "first" thing first. Nothing must come before the kingdom of God, including the desire for a simple lifestyle."

Whether I have a lot or a little if I am not fixed on the Kingdom and thankful for what I have giving all glory to God for the much I have it doesn't matter. God will and does take care of me, and as I seek His kingdom he will take care of mine. What you have is not defining of simplicity but who you are giving glory and honor to is what defines that, to live simply is to live for Christ, that's it, bottom line.

Sorry, Jesus, could you speak up?

... I can't hear you over the worship music.

When I read the solitude chapter, I was most impacted by Foster's comparison of silence and solitude. I would definitely classify myself as an introvert, so I had always thought that silence "shouldn't" be a problem for me - except it totally is. I don't know how to be alone nor do I know how to be with people, because I don't know how to be in solitude with my Father.

"... we do not fear being alone, for we know that we are not alone. Neither do we fear being with others, for they do not control us." (p. 96)

When I set about practicing solitude on Friday, it became so apparent so quickly how often I fill the silence in my heart with music. I love music, and I feel so blessed that God has gifted me with that part of my life, especially as a way to praise Him and spend some really intimate time with Him - but I have to keep reminding myself that it is NOT a God substitute. 

"Every distraction of the body, mind, and spirit must be put into a kind of suspended animation before this deep work of God upon the soul can occur." (p. 103)

So basically my problem is that my solitude isn't restful because I'm afraid of true solitude. (And then, as a consequence, my time of fellowship isn't restful either.)

I'm afraid to slow down, because I'm afraid of what I might discover. I'm afraid to listen because I'm afraid of what I might hear. I'm afraid to be alone because everything about my self-worth is defined in terms of the people around me.

But the really cool miracle I'm realizing is that these fears aren't grounded in any reality at all. When I actually slow down, all I discover is my belovedness. When I actually listen, I only hear the voice of the Spirit. And when I'm alone, I'm in the best company imaginable.

King of Distraction

"We live in a culture that does not value concentration.  Distraction is the order of the day." (p. 65)

Growing up, my dad affectionately gave me the nickname "King of Distraction".

This title speaks more truth than I would like to admit.  All throughout college, I avoided studying like the plague.  I relied (and still do rely) heavily on my ability to think on my feet rather than come prepared.

"To convince people that they must learn to study is the major obstacle." (p. 67) Foster points out that Repetition and Concentration are the first two steps of Study, and the Lord knows I need to be taught in these areas.

While I often beat myself up that I should be studying, I know what I must do.  I must practice the discipline of study.  Today.  

"Study is well worth our most serious effort" (p. 76)

Simplicity....WHY??????

Simplicity....Why? something that struck me about simplicity didnt come from the chapter but came from the introduction.  Simplicity...Why? - So that we may experience Jesus as the defining reality of our lives!

Seek first the Kingdom...why? - So that we may experience Jesus as the defining reality of our lives!

Buy things for there usefulness not status...why? - So that we may experience Jesus as the defining reality of our lives!

Reject anything that produces an addiction in you...why? - So that we may experience Jesus as the defining reality of our lives!

Develop a habit of giving things away...why? -So that we may experience Jesus as the defining reality of our lives!

Refuse.... gadgetry...Why? So that we may experience Jesus as the defining reality of our lives!

Learn to enjoy things without owning them...why? - So that we may experience Jesus as the defining reality of our lives!

Develop a deeper appreciation for creation...why? - So that we may experience Jesus as the defining reality of our lives!

Avoid buy now pay later schemes...why? - So that we may experience Jesus as the defining reality of our lives!

Obey Jesus' instructions about plain, honest speech...why? - So that we may experience Jesus as the defining reality of our lives!

Reject things that breed oppression...why? - So that we may experience Jesus as the defining reality of our lives!

SHUN EVERYTHING THAT DISTRACTS YOU FROM SEEKING FIRST THE KINGDOM OF GOD...WHY?- So that we may experience Jesus as the defining reality of our lives!

I desperately want to experience Jesus as the defining reality of my life...why?- Because I believe He loves me and I want to experience and know that love more than anything else in my life!

-Reid

Study and Simplicity

The idea of study is a very familiar subject to me as a full time student in my fifth year of college, and is accompanied by lots of experience both successful and unsuccessful. However, in my many years of upper education I have very seldom experienced joy as an outcome of my studying. Yes, on seldom occasions I would feel happiness as a result of a good grade after a major test, but never did I really experience true joy until this past semester. As part of my degree in Dance Science I am required to take a physiology class, which, if you have never taken one or heard about a physiology class it is about a lifetimes worth of information into 4 months of study. After weeks of studying for my first test and as the anxiety and overwhelming amount of material suddenly washed over me as I walked out of the lecture hall, I began to think about the material I had absorbed as I walked across campus. After being tested on the four types of tissues in the human body and their specific functions/characteristics I looked down at my own hands and was awestruck. The material I had been cramming into my brain for weeks suddenly clicked and became applicable to my own body. The functions and characteristics I learned about and had memorized for weeks was not simply some far off explanation of a universe billions of miles away. Instead the material I had been studying was myself and my own beautifully crafted flesh by the creator of the universe. And then as I continued to move through campus the reality behind the truth that I not only was studying my own flesh, but the flesh of Jesus hit me. The incarnation of God into flesh. MY SAME FLESH! WOO! Man, that was the moment that my studying of the human body changed drastically.

Even though this happened months ago now, I wanted to share this experience with you all because this realization, this discover lead to a true joy in me that propels me event to this day. Both in my study at Long Beach and with God, because honestly there is no difference. I am a kinesthetic learner and this application to physically touch, learn about, and experience life in the same flesh as Emmanuel! This study, any study, ALL STUDY continues to produce an unbelievable joy in my life. I love reliving this experience and remembering the emotion I felt that day walking across campus and trying to begin my time with God in the mornings with that set of eyes. To start my study with eyes of both observation of God's physical creation and the desire to know my heavenly Father more by learning the truth about His story. The truth has, is, and will set me free.

"Simplicity is freedom...Simplicity brings joy and balance." (80)

"Because we lack a divine Center our need for security has led us into an insane attachment to things." (81)

The idea of my own crazy attachment to things has become evident and prominent in my life over the past year. Even as I sit and type, I am surround by drawers full of clothes I haven't worn in months, or books I have never read, even as I begin to search for a new car the idea of excess luxury options creates a tension against the need for a vehicle that gets me from point A to point B. But the fun thing about becoming more aware in the past year or so of my excess has led me to see the actual small amount of things I need on a daily basis to live. I love that as I continue to clean out old clothes and get rid of possessions I haven't touched in months, I experience a snowball effect of discovering how much more stuff I don't need. As my eyes turn more directly toward my Father who loves, gives me gifts, cares for me, protects me and provides for me I discover the freedom from severing my attachment to things. I hear the phrase circling in my head, "using people to love things or using things to love people." (thank you super ultra!)

I echo Foster's prayer at the end of the chapter, "May God give you-and me-the courage, wisdom, the strength always to hold to the kingdom of God as the number one priority of our lives. To do so is to live in simplicity." (95) To do so is to experience abundant freedom and surrender as I stand arms outstretched running home into my Fathers arms.

Simplicity.

"Asceticism and simplicity are mutually incompatible. Occasional superficial similarities in practice must never obscure the radical difference between the two. Asceticism renounces possessions. Simplicity sets possessions in proper perspective. Asceticism finds no place for a 'land flowing with mil and honey.' Simplicity rejoices in this gracious provision from the hand of God. Asceticism finds contentment only when it is abased. Simplicity knows contentment in both abasement and abounding." (p. 84)

I was first struck by this quote. I find that line between hollow, outward asceticism and hollow self-indulgence so hard to walk. I don't know how to celebrate in genuine simplicity without feeling like I have to masochistically beat myself down.

So naturally, the freedom that Foster talks about in that happy medium is equally hard for me to find. Jesus' command of "Do not be anxious," seems so amazingly far away. Abba, I need You to pry my fingers open to help me relinquish the control I feel I need to cling onto.

The next part that really hit me was this:

"Remember, an addiction, by its very nature, is something that is beyond your control. Resolves of the will alone are useless in defeating a true addiction. You cannot just decide to be free of it. But you can decide to open this corner of your life to the forgiving grace and healing power of God. You can decide to allow loving friends who know the ways of prayer to stand with you. You can decide to live simply one day at a time in quiet dependence upon God's intervention." (p. 91)

This almost made me laugh out loud, because I think one of the things I'm addicted to IS control itself. Oh boy - I'm really going to need your help on this one, Jesus. The more I try to self-talk myself into relinquishing control of my life ('Ok, Pearl. Just let it go, it's ok. Trust, trust, trust!') the deeper I dig myself into a hole.

Abba, I'm truly helpless. Please, would YOU take control back from my hands (as if You ever really lost it anyway). Would You bring peace in my heart, and would You grant me the simple-mindedness to seek first Your kingdom.