What I've been realizing as I've been reading this book over the past couple weeks with my Growth Group girls - as well as just in life since summer - is that I absolutely stink at being disciplined. And I know we all know we're flawed and never quite measure up to all our ideals, but I think this realization has been a particularly bitter pill for me to swallow because I've always thought I was exceptionally disciplined. It's something I've always prided myself on (dangerous words) and something I've always been affirmed in.
But I'm NOT at all! In fact, recently, it seems that whatever shred of a disciplined spiritual life I used to cling to is slipping away, and as much as I try to find some stable ground to rest on, I'm just floundering.
The second tough realization that goes along with all this is that the reason I'm so terrible at being disciplined is that everything that was masquerading as discipline before was nothing like the Biblical version of discipline I'm being called to.
Foster talks about "will worship", and this is definitely the trap I fall into. I am worthy only to the extent that I can exert my will and measure up. "But the struggle is in vain, and we find ourselves once again morally bankrupt or, worse yet, so proud of our external righteousness that 'whitened sepulchers' is a mild description of our condition" (5) <- a perfect summary of the discouragement I'm stuck in right now. The kind of "discipline" that I tend towards is either legalistic and stifling or just dull and lifeless.
The purpose of discipline is liberation from the stifling slavery to self-interest and fear (2).
But I am SO self-interested and SO amazingly fearful.
On the one hand I feel so helpless to impose any sort of discipline on my spiritual life (both healthy and unhealthy discipline), and at the same time I feel stranded without this piece of my identity that I'm realizing was never there in the first place.
All this to say... I'm looking forward to walking through the next weeks with you all. I hope Jesus just destroys all my preconceived ideas and whatever pride I have left. I need Him to destroy them.
Friend, this post reminds me of the long narrow ridge Foster talks about with a sheer drop-off on either side. How thin the walk between human strivings for righteousness and the absence of striving at all. It's simple, but it's not easy and praise God we do this life journey in community. I'm excited for this book as well and for the opportunity to practice living out what we read together.
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