The Spiritual Director

As we're all looking toward serving in a place of leadership this summer, and in many ways even now in the places where we live, I was really convicted by Foster's section on "The Spiritual Director." 

So often I fail at the humility that Foster talks about, especially in the capacity (almost said 'role'... and then I almost said 'position' - it's everywhere!) I'm serving at College Life right now as I meet one-on-one with the bible study leaders. A couple of quotes I loved: 

"In a word, he is only God's usher, and must lead souls in God's way, and not his own." (p. 184)

"A spiritual director must be a person who has developed a comfortable acceptance of himself or herself." (p. 186)

"Spiritual directors must be on the inward journey themselves and be willing to share their own struggles and doubts. There needs to be a realization together that they are learning from Jesus, their ever-present Teacher." (p. 186)

I am SO guilty, SO often of violating all of these. I try to lead people in the direction I think they should go. I lead out of my own insecurity, trying to prop up my self-worth on how I think it's "going." And because of all that insecurity, I feel the need to earn my right to leadership, to paint myself in the right light, so that they won't know how weak and vulnerable I am too. 

Because deep down, I'm afraid that there's been some kind of huge mistake and that I don't deserve to lead at all. Of course, the wonderful miracle is that I don't deserve it, but He chooses to bless me that way anyway, and only asks that I follow Him as the ultimate Director. 

And so now we're back to all the role-identity material we talked about at admin retreat. Am I Delta Ops Cor or am I Kristen Snow? Am I a growth group leader coach or am I a child of God? Is my worth in fleeting external states or enduring internal characteristics? 

I think I'm realizing more and more how much I need to consciously decide (and live by!) my answer to each of those questions on a daily basis.