My experience with practicing solitude last week was an adventure to say the least. My initial response as notated in the margin of the last page of the chapter was, "solitude is an invitation to be openly embraced by my creator, my father, my friend, my love." However, I struggled the two days that followed to fully understand and really practice solitude. I allowed myself to experience and sit in my dark night of my soul, as I prayed in my own place of solitude. But I simply felt overwhelmed by the emotions accompanying my dark night and didn't understand. I became confused and asked God even more questions as to why solitude wasn't working. Then Foster's words came to the rescue, "Though silence sometimes involves the absence of speech, it always involves the act of listening." I was trying to be silent, I was attempting to achieve solitude in my heart...and because of my continued focus on skill and ability I was digging myself into a hole. I found myself talking and babbling to God in hopes of feeling the freedom and joy that I already know so well in my own life. I lacked listening. I lacked the true quality of silence in my time, to be completely frank in my life, of solitude.
What a joy to go through those days of pure struggle and fighting against God to then be freed by the acknowledgment and awareness yet again of my own pride and attempt at controlling my life.
My prayer now is that God continues to break my knees when I think I am capable to achieve, achieve, achieve. When I believe I am able to do anything on my own I pray God vividly reminds me how my life is wholly dependent on Him. And that I may truly experience, more and more often, "solitude as an invitation to be openly embraced by my creator, my father, my friend, my love.
I was trying to be silent, I was attempting to achieve solitude in my heart...and because of my continued focus on skill and ability I was digging myself into a hole. I found myself talking and babbling to God in hopes of feeling the freedom and joy that I already know so well in my own life. I lacked listening. I lacked the true quality of silence in my time, to be completely frank in my life, of solitude.
ReplyDeleteAmen, sister. I hear you on that one. It's such a struggle to find a way to not try to try to slow down, if that makes sense. He's telling me, 'Pearl, just let go. Just stop." But my instinct is to find more things to DO instead.
Slash, it's just good to hear from you, J. I pray God continues to break your legs, but to break you gently and in love... I know He will. :]